Interesting thoughts. I think that sometimes it is the case that I've attracted someone because I'm nuts in some way. I think people do not look at themselves as often as is good for them, me included.

I'm not sure the "hostility can certainly be overcome when one or both partners is conscious of the behavior." I've been plenty conscious of hostility coming from a person in my life, and I've tried all the loving responses I can think of - therapy, couples therapy, books on narcissism, on relationships. . . the Shitty Husbands blog, ayahuasca, MDMA, etc. Etc. I've tried so many things for many years. My hostile person does not respond. He's just hostile.

So, I'm walking the line here. I do think it is important for me to look at myself. I clapped. I do have some narcissistic traits. There are reasons why I was attracted to Mr. Hostile, and he to me. But my consciousness of his behavior (and my behavior) is not sufficient for him to heal.

Self awareness is awesome. But victims in these situations are being subjected to horrific treatment, and while everyone has personality dimensions, no one asks to be bullied into submission repeatedly such that their freedom is significantly curtailed. I'm still learning about abusers myself, but it does seem like they force victims to tango. Sure, it takes two, but, um, if one person is shooting at your feet, and you dance, that doesn't mean you are unreflective or not self aware. It doesn't mean you don't resist.

I do NOT have it all figured out. Just some thoughts for you.