Just to be clear, I clapped for the writing and the bravery and not because I'm happy about your state of mind.

I really try not to give unsolicited advice, because doing that is annoying and presumptuous. But, have you ever tried LSD? Or maybe Ayahuasca, in a group setting with qualified doctors and psychologists present? Just a thought. Hope you find your way out of this mess. Life can be way better. I don't think you are evil or disgusting!